I know it's a bit odd to still be writing about December when today is the first day of the Lunar New Year (not to mention a wonderful dinner at Jo's earlier today) but I think there's a certain kind of sentiment to be dwelling in winter hues... And I miss Christmas, and the strange euphoria that was.
Overpriced and overcommercialized cupcakes with the nicest icing color
Liberty for soap-shopping, and I swear this is one of the nicest-smelling soap I've ever bought.
'I could have really loved you' (soap)
Milan made my hands into dry skin and flesh, but my nights were warm with conversations and wine
All too quiet in Kamari, picking volcanic stones
Maybe when I have the time (though I may be lying) I will talk about Christmas break soon...
More often that not, I find it hard to be honest - explained by my overeager attempts at being cryptic and a complete withdrawal from life. I'm not sure what is to be achieved from me telling you this but I think I needed to say this so that I can be reassured (myself more than anyone else, really) that I do care about different causes, I care about what shapes life and its meaning therein, and all of the people I have met, and that I remember all of them too well.
This is my theory: that I put too much emotional contribution in things that is so underserving I overlook the things that should be important. Not to say I can tell which weighs more because it's unfair to divide your attention this way, but we all know that benevolence is impossible.
But since I really should start making dinner soon, so I'll leave it there for now.
The eternal struggle continues - with words or not.
I'm glad to be writing here, now, again, albeit in a most unusual way of chronicling my life where I previously avoided because I didn't know if talking about yourself was a very selfish act.
I just wanted to say, while I was eating my cereal, it drew parallel of experiences- I was at this table eating breakfast with so and so, we were talking about such a topic and I laughed this way I wouldn't have laughed with anyone else, how many days ago, but here I am now without that. I suppose this is more of an observation than anything and sometimes I think the only thing I can be proud of are my memories of redundant details.
Also, started the morning rather soothingly with Rachmaninov's Piano Concerto No. 2 in C minor!
I find it increasingly hard to talk about too many things now, not without compromising emotions. I could talk about my complete lack of faith in reciprocal affections, compensated by what little hope I still have but that only shows how illogical I am. I protest completely- this is not what I want, because I do want to talk about fleeting moments, poignant monochromatic seconds, in all too flowery language-
TRUST ME / I have no other choice / nothing / you did not know me then / if not for this, then what / laugh / pain / joy / immeasurable joy, godly happiness / repeat the mantra, never forget the truth you need to remember / hesitation? / I try so hard / sometimes I forget / I'm so, so sorry / far / long islands / dreams of a world without complications / INFINITE / it would last beyond this lifetime / beyond both ours
That needed to be done. Now my feet are warm and ready for bed!
I apologize for my complete lack of words this year but I'd still like to do my annual photopost and corny reflection of everything, here are some things and places I've seen. I think it's been, like every other year, a hard year and especially this one where everyone keeps trying to disprove beliefs (either mine or someone else's). But I hope the days to come will be better, and in spite of what we constantly lose ourselves in - these fanciful distractions, there are still small joys to have. Distance and meaning and sadness and the moment before dawn, terrible and achingly wonderful.
My attempts to writing have failed so tragically that I haven't been able to write at all, but here are some Christmassy photos that I've been up to:
Warm hot chocolate
Borough market in full swing
The stairs leading to our rooftop nicely adorned with diptyque candles
We had a very pleasant Christmas dinner with friends, and it was very comforting to have everyone come over with loads of food and cheer and Christmas songs playing.
I really want to go to the Tiffany & Co. ice rink by Somerset house (practically by the side of my uni) but one must first find someone to go with. It's been a soothing month so far, and I enjoy this quiet collective of many late nights and warmth.
On a side note, hope is too ambitious; I cannot define it without having been utterly crushed completely by its weightlessness.
More photos to come soon, hope everyone is doing well in this festive time of year.
