postscript

how I wish you could see the potential, the potential of you and me. it's like a book elegantly bound, but in a language that you can't read just yet. you gotta spend some time love, you gotta spend some time with me, and I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart.

I haven't been blogging properly in ages, I suspect it has to do with my lifelessness :( In hope for a good, proper update on Wednesday as I'm (finally) going out.

When I'm not busy brooding over my non-existent social life, I'm too busy being in love with these people.

Other than that, I am just constantly been in four places: my room, the kitchen, dining room and the living room. Anything beyond those boundaries seem out of bounds, I haven't stepped into anywhere else. Please just call me pathetic la :( one of these days, my lifelessness is going to bore everyone to death and it's going to be a lonely lonely world. Even attempting to study Biology was more exciting than me, can you believe that?! Woe is me.

Where are people when you need them? Sigh.

psychedelic

For the past week, I've:

#1 won Hearts - Microsoft Games Hearts
#2 wasted paper

... and more but I don't think I'm a dot-points person.

It's death, trying to figure out the justice of things. Some things, is becoming so many things, and it's almost weakening. Something like breaking your bones, but on a whole new level. In that tired awakening, there's no spirit.

What I'm trying to say is to understand. So it sorta tastes almost like poison on my lips now.

edit/
I am smiling now because I spoke to someone I haven't in quite some time and it's made me happy, for now.

Youniverse

“Is that you?”

It begins so cautiously, because you’re so afraid (so much more than me now) that it’ll hurt you and I can see that even if I don’t see your face.

And so I will answer you in the most unimaginable ways. No need for broken vowels and ambiguous telltale words, sometimes all you really need are those blunt, rough edges. It will smear against your face, gently pricking your pores and marking them with eternal scars. As you run your fingers over those bulging sores, you will remind yourself of what has happened and realise the quicksand of regret you are slowly drowning in.

The plethora of skillful ways that you have learned so hard over the years, they don’t matter to me because haven’t I told you before I really couldn’t care less? I only hear the alacrity of cacophonic dissonance finding a way to surface the air of reality, and the only sound they make shrivels away as they make contact with the atmosphere. I could almost crush you now, almost miniature to my naked eye, with elements cushioning and pinning you down onto harmonic overtones, don’t even try to defy laws of nature, laws of our ancestors. You know you won’t get away with it.

I reply with a pseudonym I can be proud of,

“I’m not her.”

The Weakest Link

Instructions: Remove one question from those below, add in one of your own personal one, to make a total of 20 questions.

1. What does a perfect day mean to you?
Waking up at a decent hour not feeling like crap but feeling inspired :) Being able to write something small yet beautiful, reading, and taking photographs. Conversations over coffee in the afternoon-evening talking about the wonders of everything as to feel exhilarated and nervous at the same time. Walking through streets on a cold winter sun morning with someone to talk to. Eating ice cream. Finding something extraordinary by chance. Feeling happy.

2. If you were to be stranded on a deserted island, who are the 3 blog buddies you'd take and why?
Mich, because I'd share my biscuits with her so she'd make me feel less angry about her having pretty things. ie, pretty photographs/mugs/notebooks.
Hannah, because she'll write incredible stories of us stranded on the deserted island (hint: bestseller) and we could probably talk about anything.
Erik, 'cos we'll talk in rhyme and write poetry all day, calling each other codenames and sound innocuously cool. Hahaha.

3. Where is the place that you want to go the most?
Venice, because of a story I read and then wrote about as well; because I would take long rides in gondolas; because I get to drink awesome coffee. And Vienna, just because I feel like going somewhere I haven't been before. Paris again, so I can wrap my icy fingers around a hot cup of mocha and walk the streets holding hands exploring bookstores. I want to go to places that makes me feel altogether foreign yet welcoming.

4. If you can have one dream to come true, what would it be?
To travel the world not having to worry about financial costs and write about everything. To have someone with me while I globe trot and celebrate weird days with me and eat good food :)

5. Do you believe you can survive without money?
No, I don't. Or maybe you could. I don't really know. I don't really want to know, actually. Sigh why am I so selfish sometimes?

6. What are you afraid to lose the most?
My sense of self, - when more than often I dedicate days to find that sense and getting it misplaced so often it gets lost so much; people that mean something to me.

7. If you win $1 million, what would you do?
Invest, invest, invest. If I get a good interest rate, that $1 million would probably double in a few years or two! Then I'd buy a gorgeous town house equipped with a library, entertainment room, (personal hi 5 system, pool table, foos etc) and jacuzzi pool ;) It would also have glass-paneled walls incandescent to the spectra of light from the skies. Its occupants being me, and preferably some hot, literate guy too! I love these $1 million questions. They make me so optimistic.

8. If you meet someone that you love, would you confess to him/her?
I've seen all the answers people put down for this question and I just want to say: YOU'RE CRAZY IF YOU DON'T. Ignore the fact that they might hate you for the rest of your life or become sworn enemies, but you might end up happily in the said townhouse and not regretting or would you rather feel sorry for yourself your entire life? Fine, I know I may not the best person to know about Love, but I'm not that nonchalant either. ;)

9. List out 3 good points of the person who tagged you.
Yumi/Jade; she's entertaining, draws like some Art god (go compliment her) and she takes hilarious, exuberant photos!

10. What are the requirements that you wish from your other half?
Requirements sounds so... rogue. Maybe preferences. OK, ignore that. It's quite self-explanatory and obvious isn't it? OTHER HALF. He matches up to me, be it opposite or symmetrical; and he will listen to me whine about how I have bad luck and not laugh at me - I do have bad luck! - and he will know what to get me on my birthday without asking me but knowing I will love it all the same anyway. Yeah, isn't it great to daydream? :)

11. How do you define Love?
It came to me one night before I feel asleep that Love should be when you fall into the blackhole effortlessly without struggle and it will come so naturally you don't even have to try and then you will know in an epiphany: oh, this is Love. And it will be.

12. If you are given the chance to go back to the past and make a difference, will you?
I wouldn't. Sure there are days where I regret not saying things I should've more than I should, but then I know I wouldn't exist without any of that. Because on some days I wished I talked to that friend when I was 8 more, crying in front of people to let them know I can cry as well, or giving a hug. But I don't think I'd change any of that.

13. Can you tell what's your future is going to look like?
I can't tell. Often, the future terrifies me but it also excites me. I don't know what I should feel. I think it's probably what I've been doing up till now that will make anything into my "future", because "now" was once "future" wasn't it?

14. What do you think is the most important thing in your life?
All the conversations and people :) And then all the little things (haha Alex yay for little things) in between: saying hi's, having good food, laughing til everything swells up in your eyes and feeling happy.

15. Are you a shopaholic or not?
Define shopaholic. Probably am, considering the amounts of books I buy per year. Or try to, at least. And having spent money on delicious food, expensive $11 movie tickets, clothes. I define shopaholic as spending more money than I should.

16. If you have a chance, which part of your character you would like to change?
Not being so impatient, sigh.

17. Who is the person that you can share all your problems with?
I don't know! Probably anyone who's willing to listen, hahaha.

18. What's your weakest point?
Complaining too much :(

19. What's the thing that you're most proud of?
That I can laugh the loudest in the room, for feeling confused, for being able to write, for everything, really. What's proud when you aren't proud of yourself?

20.What do you think of sarcasm and irony?
That we all need them in our life. I don't think I can quite live with excessive positivity without hindering spices of ridicule and sarcasm. Heh.

I keep losing my sense of time, I woke up today thinking it was Wednesday. I think it's 1pm but it's already 3, and I've somehow misplaced this 4th dimension.

Strangers

Erasing Identities

My archives are gone, likewise to how I feel that identities have been consumed previously. Forget the five hundred odd posts, those unwise ramblings, there was something that came to me this morning and that compelled to me that I had do something, to make everything feel a little less aggravating.

The other night we were playing a game with plenty of namesakes and it confused me right through and I knew from the start I would end up a fuzzy mental blank as we progressed though. What do you know, it takes me a decade of decayed silence for me to mutter a coherent reply "... hippopotamus" and the moments where I didn't even bother, she said laughingly and I knew what was coming that

"You don't even try" and I laughed and I smiled because I don't. Well, not enough anyway.

I didn't win that game.

Anyway, I decided one of the best places to eat in the world is Spain.

And not only because I get to drink Strawberry juice for 2€!

We were staying in Catalunya during my trip to Barcelona, and my dad says we should all head to La Boqueria - which I found out afterwards and it was deemed to be 'coolest market in the world' - for something to eat because we were inordinately hungry from the 2 hours flight from Rome. So straight after we landed and dragged our Samsonite bags walking a fair distance of 15 minutes to our hotel (we got lost several times, too) and then head out scavenging for food.

La Boqueria's entrance



I wanted so much to try all of them! Sigh there were so many nice ones: mango, orange, apple, papaya, kiwi!!!



Cure meat is famous in Europe





A candy store selling so many different types of sweet stuff!

One thing you cannot afford to miss while you're in Spain is tapas. It's small portions of appetizers to go before the meal and it's yummy! We ended up ordering 20+ different ones and I think the table next to us reckons we're crazy.

tapas galore

One particular tapas restaurant we had the chance to go to was Txapela on Passeig de Gràcia, 8 if anyone so happens to visit Barcelona in the near future ;) They serve an excellent range of tapas and for the whole time I was there, I was stuffing all sorts of food I didn't know the name of into my mouth and they tasted delicious.

another meal of tapas at La Boqueria on day 2 in Barcelona

This time, we headed back to La Boqueria and mangaed to grab a spot in this unnamed restaurant (but still filled to the brim with dozens of people!) and started talking whatever so we could make them understand us. They didn't really, so we just pointed at what the other locals were having and hoping that the food served will turn out good. And it was!

And the last thing before leaving Barcelona? SEAFOOD PAELLA. Scrumptious, mouth watering paella. One I attempted to recreate 2 weeks ago with not-so-bad results! - surprisingly edible as well.

It's tomato based and you get the plummy sweet-sour taste of the tomatoes which is then even enriched with the seafood and that's what makes it an amazing dish ;) Oh, and it's rice btw and not the usual ok-come-dinnertime-rice but sort of a risotto-like rice which is heavenly to the taste buds. Makes you satiated as well.

It's just sad that we only stayed for 2 days but at least we got to try some good stuff! Oh and Barcelona was where I got the Hard Rock Cafe "guitar" for Eugene. Harharhar

ok it's about three now and I get cranky during this hour so I will stop but I promise more Europe photos in the near future!

btw, happy 17th to Marlie whose birthday was on the 23rd yesterday :)

The lunch we couldn't finish.

We are...

We are Hollywood’s cronies. To approach this even more realistically, we are actually living in Hollywood - an alternate version of it but nonetheless it comes with the usual popular A-lists and bitching about the degraded rejects on a clearance rack at a cheap pasar malam store. We are these people, all that we love to hate and hate to love. We’re living the great dream that everything is judged according to a baseline and the local Paris Hilton will be the attention of media and someone is grabbing someone else’s ass, who’s sleeping with who and the rumours and trying to make high school “cool” just like in washed out teen series and romance stories. Sweetie, of course I know it’s no one’s fault that we’re all just aimlessly trying to pull this whole image off and please the world because honestly, there’s no one to blame. Blame it on evolution, Charles Darwin even, dammit. We’re being spoon-fed the Upper East Side traditions and we live with the trend and the more you know how to pronounce Louis Vuitton loo-vee vooh-tohn, the hipper it’ll make us look. The original concept has some sort of unknown source, but this is our friend, our ally, our life. That’s what makes us exist.

So go out there, put on your Chanel foundation powder and then hang out with your posse making the male species cease to exist (now we know where they’ve gone to eh?) and careful not to smudge the lipgloss or attempt crying – no one likes mascara running down your pretty little face now, so go do what you’ve known all your life, because it’s all you know and of course we can’t forget that it’s your life you’re talking about.

Yeah I’ve seen you whine about your waistline, blubbery whale-like thighs, “ohmygod I’m sooo fat”, and you not being able to fit into those great skimpy jeans! You chew on this gum in daily motion, perpetually living with a dictator that tells you what’s hot and what’s not – needing to lose those pounds because that will really really sincerely make you a better person.

I believe that we’re really living in the fairytale, because we coerce ourselves the romantic notions one ought to have: boy and girl, complications involving emo punk-rock music and weeks of crying and depriving sleep to reach the end when you finally get together, you have a “little miss emo” labelled right across your chest because you’re convinced that’s the right thing to do and we haven’t even reach the paramount of it all! The breakup. Climatic point of the whole quadratic equation (we compare love to maths equation all the time), we believe all we need from love is the excessive caress and quality time; intimacy that will make love between dear ol’ Romeo and Juliet all the less mundane. Afterall, they died 5 days after falling in love. No wonder it’s the greatest tragic love story of all time.

Also on the top of the list: someone who showers surprises out of nowhere just to gauge that extra fluid of happiness and then when you go home and wallow in the delight of it and think that the “i love you forever” is true because all that determination will drive you straight into an asylum. Because we live in the upscale metropolis, we hasten our paces even more, enriching our elegant strides, put on our best coats and dresses (oh daaaah-ling just where did you get that gorgeeeous dress?) and suit up.

Buzzing in and out of these conversations we simmer ourselves in, adding condiments on the way, it makes everything all the more interesting. Sometimes we do it so naturally we think this is our true element because it makes it so much easier and less effort to put in other things.

And that’s what makes you a bitch. But who cares about that when we’re talking about how good you will look in the Topshop mirror and spending money on that overpriced top when you know that the manufacturing workers get less than 1% of that beautiful brandished cloth you drape on those sexy curves. Or throw a rampage fit when your favourite Forever 21 store don’t stock your XXXXXXS size (even if you’re far from S because you’re soooo fat, remember?) because Miss Popular has gotten the last piece but because she’s your fashion icon, you forgive her. We can’t forget the times and glory when you got your first Guess bag now can we! Those intricate “G’s” just refreshed your whole appeal and whatmore with those adorable strappy 50-inch heels from Vincci? But then you realise there’s still the queen we all idolise, the one who truly reigns with utmost power, the one armed with Gucci and loo-vee vooh-tohn trinklets and kill with her Manolo Blahniks and Jimmy Choo’s sashaying through her crowd of minions.

What’s left is that we know all we need now is a perfect image to suit that demure looking face and ass. Oh, not to mention breasts. We can’t forget that eh?

I trust that in everyone, we have the Everything-We-Need-To-Know-To-Survive 101 handbook embedded in us. Some people just decide to read it and put it to use, some people don’t care and some people just choose to burn that book.

thursdays and anti-sighs

(I miss the ping pong party!)

dearest acronym bestfriend and all things random (I started talking about something totally out of topic that I don't even remember what it was now), you better not sigh no longer else the anti-sigh people will come and drag you away! ;) Happy 17th, yet again. Post-birthday plans! You better be available for me in July.

I love phone calls. *wistful* Eventhough I mostly end up talking pretty much crap and going all high-pitched.

So many birthdays this week! Happy Birthday to Yumi in advance for tomorrow as well ;)

(Sketchy thing she drew for me! So pretty right?)

I hope you have a good one as well! ;)

Alright, I seriously need rest. I think I live on minimal sleep these few weeks and it's making me all dead and whatnot. I keep forgetting things - I forgot to bring back my calculator from school and my stupid maths book - and when I try to sleep, I don't sleep well. To be frank, I don't even like sleeping.

Okay, happy Easter as well! :) Good Friday's tomorrow.

And one last birthday to conclude to week! But I'll leave that for another post :)

goodnight all!

to:

The best friend/kawan baik/hao peng you,

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY :)
♥♥♥♥♥
with extra love from all those extra miles ;)

you are also:



(yes now the whole world knows how terrible I am when I draw)

I don't understand why you didn't want to celebrate your 17th kickass birthday! But we all know the most extravagant thing is to be happy and yayful on your awesome birthday! :) I for one as always, have to be most regretful because I miss out on your birthday for the second year (sigh) but know that I wish you so much love that it'll overflow and beats everyone else's! ;) ;) muahaha.

ALICIA SEE TIEN JIA I ♥ YOU :)

(how can you not love her?! with such a cool surname as well - 'See'!)

gah, the pressure of birthday posts!! grrr. But ooooh, I know a someone whose birthday is also this week, Thursday in fact ;) more more celebration posts to come.

I wrote this post with ♥

p/s: on the subject of love,

"have you ever fallen in love?"
"like love, love?"

till then, have a great week ahead with ♥

Sortie de secours

I am a drunken mad woman, my footsteps echoes and sway heavily without faith, trodden with staggering quiet leaps and twirls in the air. They are weightless, light as air, but they will bruise. I am stripped bare without necessities - no jungle book, just the company of starking free-flowing emotions.

I am unconvinced, quivering with the freeze of uncertainty, and I will bite my bloody lips in the frost, who will you save?

I will destroy you.

for all i know, I don't need your pale intentions, laden with selfishness and suspicion. My words will break your inches of soul into tiny shards, and then I will kill them will my bare hands and they will flood you as they flow and it will annihilate you completely.

juxtaposed against the sunlight, you're the heart-warming saint everyone calls you but I call you a lie. We know what happens to liars. "liar liar liar liar" - I will chant it like a mantra until it becomes an emblem engraved within you.

you're on fire, a mass of tangled bodies, just exactly as you desire so much: the gorgeous screams and the luscious sparkling personalities, they are the fuel to your fire and they burn and they spark, and they will turn you into ashes. here's your happiness, here's your goddamn intimacy, your lust for warmth, and they will be buried with you. even your vile attempts of desperations, they will follow you into the afterlife.